Let’s face it – that majestic stew that you are about to fill with all your love may taste different if you use a substitute ingredient. Therefore the demented chef has compiled a list – a cheat sheet – that will help you remember to not forget.
1. Make a shopping list
This may seem like a basic move, but it is still worth mentioning. Sit down in good time before going to the supermarket and do a brainstorm together with wife, husband, roomie or whoever the fuck you share dinner with.
Relaxing music like Sepultura or Slipknot will help to create the right atmosphere. The important thing to remember here is that there are no stupid ideas. The only ideas that are stupid are the ones you forget.
Write everything down and wrap the list in plastic so that it won’t get wet even if you have it in the back pocket and you happen to piss yourself after wandering around in the supermarket for hours.
2. Don’t bring your kids to the supermarket
Shopping with kids is like stepping in a big pile of dog shit when it’s 34 degrees outside. One solution if they are impossible to get rid of is to invite (force) them into one of the locker that can be found at the entrance of most supermarkets. They are surprisingly soundproof and near impossible to open from the inside.
Does your little one wear a cap? Then a second option is to put them outside the supermarket with their cap in front of them on the ground. If you’re lucky, you will earn enough money to buy an extra pack of cigarettes. Just don’t forget to lock the kid up with your bike lock – you don’t want them to run away with all your hard-earned money while you are in the shop doing the dirty work.
3. Drink a lot before before shopping
One of the most common mistakes when shopping for groceries is forgetting to drink. Staying sober while walking between the shelves increases the risk of overthinking your shopping list and start adding the wrong ingredients to your basket.
Instead, make sure that you drink at least a couple of beers before entering the store and, if you are shopping for the whole week, bring a small bottle with alcohol in your pocket.
In the unlikely event that you forget to bring your booze, go to the cleaning department of the store and have a discreet zip of liquid soap.
4. Keep a huge stock of reserve ingredients
Always have more things than you need at home, you never know when it comes handy. I have for example built a 45m2 walk-in fridge in my backyard where I store all sorts of shit that I often forget to buy.
Just don’t tell people about it – you don’t want your neighbours to come knocking on your door asking for spices when watching an adult movie or performing any other activity that requires your full attention.
#!@*&%
Still can’t get it right? Time for plan B.
